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"The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead, patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem."
In her critique of the interlocking socio-political systems that shape our culture, bell hooks zoomed in on how this limiting way of existence, distorts and deprives us of true love. Patriarchy functions for men to dominate over others (specifically women) and overtime has collectively removed us from the ability to receive love easily and openly. Receptivity is an inherently feminine quality, which any gender can align with. Masculine and feminine energy exists in everyone, but capitalism has shaped us into a never-ending state of ‘doing’ over ‘being’ and disconnected us from the natural way of our ancestors. Excessive work may be normal but it’s not natural.
Patriarchy is a function of capitalism. Capitalism is about production. And production is about worth. What happens when we feel we are not worthy of love? We overwork and over-perform in attempt to prove ourselves deserving of the goodness that other people hold the key to us accessing. But this is not operating from a place of love, this is abiding in swimming pools of lack. Once you are in lack, you are in an emotional recession. When economies are in recession, we contract, we become tribal, we compete, we nickel and dime, and we enter states of power struggles and warfare. There is nothing lovely or loving about any of this. This is fear.
In An Unforgiving Notion of Time and Space, I recounted that time and space are mechanisms for stretching our self-awareness. And within this activity is the formation of parameters for our own individual knowing. Love and fear are two sides of the same coin. As we erect structures to govern the bounds of our self-knowing, it’s imperative that we are conscious from which place we act; because fear extends time and space (separates) and love collapses time and space (combines). Choose your emotions wisely.
Patriarchy has a nasty habit of killing self-esteem, inducing self-doubt, and busying us to a point of missing the love right in front of us we could otherwise receive. It harms both men and women and often creates the conditions for self-abandonment. This is where we give up our power in the act of over-performing and over-functioning to get to some place, some status, some reward that we never needed to exist. And when we can’t arrive at those places to live abundantly in our society, we suffer. For men this turns into guilt. For women this becomes grief.
"Grief I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All the unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."
When we stop ‘doing’ and we pause and settle into the contours of our ‘being’ we activate resistance to patriarchy. In 1994’s Outlaw Culture: Resisting Representations, bell hooks said "The moment we choose to love we begin to move against domination, against oppression. The moment we choose to love we begin to move towards freedom, to act in ways that liberate ourselves and others."
This week I want you to rebel against patriarchy by sidestepping guilt and releasing grief. Nestle into the knowing that love in all forms is a choice, and that the power of your love resides deep within you and only you. I implore you to reclaim your time by resting so deeply that you feel your cells regenerate. And I wish for you to identify your worth beyond the construct of constantly doing, and instead, rely on your ancestors who already knew that everything would be abundantly provided.
Some love-notes as reminders:
Your worth is not tied to your productivity.
Abundance is your birthright.
Perfectionism doesn’t exist. Step out of scarcity energy. Good enough is the new currency.
Attention does not equal love. Attachment does not mean connection. Enmeshment is not intimacy. Trauma bonding is not support. Healing is required for true growth.
Holding space for your rage can be sacred act of self-love. Release the narrative that you are not entitled to express anger. Be angry but be responsible.
Love yourself so unconditionally that you seek nothing from outside of you. No approval required. No validation necessary.
Love & lack can never coexist.
Normalize love in all things that you do.
Receiving is hard when you have always been in survival mode. Heal and practice this fine art of being.
Burnout is not a badge of honour. It’s a sign that you’re out of alignment.
'til next Sunday!Z.